Youre nuts! Your account is not active. Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? Why did Cinderella get kicked off the soccer team? I sold my vacuum the other day. What do you call it when you walk into a cafe youre sure youve been to before? What do you get when you mix a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost? I bought one of those tapes to teach you Spanish in your sleep. What dont ants get sick? What kind of chicken is the funniest? 177. We love laffy taffy jokes! Groucho Marx, He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. She told him that she loved him. Click here to view. What kind of tree fits in your hand? To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, Im turning my house into an Italian restaurant. How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Theres a joke that describes a teacher writing on the board, A woman without her man is nothing. She asks a pupil to add punctuation to this sentence, whereupon a boy adds commas to create the following sentence: 144. 86. 230. Did you hear about the man who got hit by the same bike every morning? Are you looking for the perfect punchline to complete a joke? Why did the orange stop? The Finns aren't "broke" they have their "ass wide open" ( Persaukinen ). I like elephants. Theres also a popular internet meme depicting seals photoshopped onto a nightclub dancefloor. Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors? What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? Finish The Joke Quiz - By frostybailey. Why did the alien go to the doctor? It is two tired. Steal these classic one-liner jokes in our collection of the best one-liner jokes from experts in funny like Milton Berle and Conan OBrien. 265. They speak English and profanity. 51. 236. It was looking for a byte to eat. To who? 254. Dave Barry, When I was young I used to think that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old, I know it is. Neptunes. 226. Remove the punctuation, and you would be understood to enjoy cooking your family and dog for dinner. 1 The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar. A pie-thon! What kind of exercise do lazy people do? The Finns dont think something is very heavy they think it weights like a sin (Painaa kuin synti). Officer: Go on. 4. I said. In his sleevies! Whats a cats favorite color? Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory? Any dog, because buildings cant jump. , Hes a writer for the agesfor the ages of four to eight. Our funny one-liner jokes are short, sweet and make you laugh. 80. Dia-purrs! 190. What does a pig put on dry skin? Why do hurricanes wear a monocle to see? 163. Early men hunted mammoths armed with spears. 45. Despresso. Learn More. So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? What do you give to a sick lemon? The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. Officer: Sure. , You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or hell die. 2. Because of all the sand which is there! Never criticize someone until youve walked a mile in their shoes. Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence? Daddy must dream scary things. A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. Aye matey. , Nostalgia isnt what it used to be. Why doesnt the sun go to college? Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard", you just scroll down waiting for it to finish and agree without understanding what it says. It needed a root canal. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper? Because no great story started with someone eating a salad. Why did the clown always choose the red balloon? 36. Then I said I finish work in one hour and she left. 140. 65. Next time I send a damn fool, I go myself., Probably the worst thing you can hear when youre wearing a bikini is Good for you!. It was a vicious cycle. (Jack put sleeping pills in the coffee and when Death fell asleep, Jack erased his name and placed it at the end of the list) The site is full of free patterns, downloads and I hope plenty of inspiration. In the piano! 2023 GAMESPOT, A FANDOM COMPANY. A book just fell on my head. Death: Woah! Funny, but not much of a two-liner, is it. He pasta-way. Jack Handey, The company accountant is shy and retiring. What is Forrest Gumps email password? 282. Ok": Employee Leaves Work During An Emergency Because Manager Wouldn't Approve His Overtime, Woman Wears Red Dress To Cousin's Wedding To Show That She Slept With The Groom First, But The Bride Outsmarts Her, "False Frugalities": 45 Examples Of People Trying To Save But Actually Losing Money, Old Photos In Real Life: 35 Pics That Show How Much Time Affects Everything (New Pics), I Create Functional And Decorative Art On Functional Items That People Can Use Every Day, And Here Are My Newest 23 Works, Hey Pandas, Post Something You Baked Recently. Wanna hear a joke about paper? Which table fits in the fridge? Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. 93. I hope that someday you'll know the indescribable joy of having children and of paying someone else to raise them. The waiter asks, Would you like anything? The bear responds, No, Im stuffed.. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? It needed help figuring out its problems. This is one of our favorite joke books. 203. I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon. A tomato in an elevator. What do newborn kittens wear? 275. Stalin What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings? The eeriest. The Big MacKerel! What is an astronauts favorite key on a keyboard? By hareplanes. What did the big flower say to the little flower? 60. Officer: Yes? Your email address will not be published. A gummy bear. Loafers. 87. Hour you doing? My brother who has a stutter is in prison. Stephen Wright, Always remember my grandfathers last words: A truck! Emo Phillips, Half of all marriages end in divorceand then there are the really unhappy ones. 145. Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I said, "Why did you just eat my food?". 299. I have clean conscience. They go to the meat-ball. Purrr-ple. What do you call a famous turtle? 229. Easter Jokes. Spot! 48. These are missing the word while, with the result that it sounds as though the hat was cleaning the room and the horses were on holiday in Spain. Because they have a lot of spirit! Fight boredom with iPhones and iPads here. Why did the school kids eat their homework? . Please provide your email address and we will send your password shortly. 175. How long does it take to make butter? Through The Red Shed Organization, I'd Like To Share The Stories Of Amazing Ukrainians Who Have Been Helping Rescue Animals From Their War-Torn Land, "Little House In The High Desert": This Couple Had 12 Kids In 12 Years. Why do oranges wear sunscreen? A happy uncle. Image credits: banner; Freddie Mercury; grandma; romantic couple; mammoths; door knocker; bar; dogs; OUP. Red sky at night, shepherds delight. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn't work properly. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 3. Because the P is silent! 7. Share a giggle with these funny jokes! This one isnt a joke per se, but it will certainly make you think about the subtle nuances of the English language and how punctuation can change the meaning with the result that simply ordering your sentence in the wrong way could mean that you say something quite different to what you intended. A desserter. Because they know all the short cuts! Finish. People are always worried about their cell phones or microwaves spying on them. 11 years ago. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"? He wanted to be a Smartie. To eradicate the apostrophe would be a big mistake, however, as they make a big difference, as the following example shows. 243. type a sentence and leave out a word then see what people write. Bored games. 70. What did the traffic light say to the traffic light? What do you do with a sick boat? 3. 1. A soccer match. Robin Williams, I saw a bank that said 24 Hour Banking,'but I don't have that much time. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Fruckoff. Print them off for free! What do you call ticks in space? Milne, The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. The bar was walked into by the passive voice. Is Google male or female? Why did it get so hot in the baseball stadium after the game? What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? A vigilANTe! Dam. They always take things literally. Follow me on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, and Instagram for all my latest updates. The bartender says, We dont serve your type.. Plus, you'll have their shoes. 244. Cauli-flower. Slugs are very slow. I do. Tags: 1 line dad jokes 1 line puns 1 liner joke of the day 1 liner jokes 1 liners 10 best one liners 100 best one liners 100 funny quotes and one liners 1000 short funny jokes 101 best one liners 1950's one liners 2 line funny jokes in english 2 line jokes 2019 one liners 2020 one liners 21 one liner jokes 30 great one liners 5 one liners 52 of . Sep-timber! I can't even finish a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions. 277. Silence! They planet. 198. 245. Wow. 253. 19. It means "against expectations" in Greek, and typically puts the first part of the sentence in a new and humorous context. Phillipe Phillope. What runs but never goes anywhere? Why did the picture go to jail? 74. Lawsuits. Apparently, you cant use beef stew as a password. 99. Their bats flew away. The taste, mostly. Leave the pizza in the oven. 116. What washes up on very small beaches? I am now banned from babysitting. What do Martians like to drink? A comedi-hen! 248. Lemon aid! 165. . Inmate: I think i have.. "Such and such walked into a bar" jokes are very popular in the UK, and this very simple one will help you remember how to employ the passive voice and how it differs from the active voice. Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? 27. How to use the passive voice. A good way to master them is to use humour: there are plenty of grammar jokes and conundrums out there that will help you learn the rules. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it. Please check link and try again. 247. What kind of fishing bait do librarians use? They dribble all the time. By now, the man is exhausted. 1981 Stupid Sentence -12 years ago - Show Facebook Like 2 I'll buy you 11 Roses; 10 real and 1 fake. Your email address will not be published. A four-chin teller. Explanation: The first two errors? Hey Pandas, What Are Your Most Useful Travel Tips? He got fired. He was good at bacon. Thats another fault of hers. 149. Better not leave that Oxford comma out after all! Did you hear the one about the roof? and watched him finish fifth. She is a Creative Industries graduate and has a Bachelor's degree in Communication. These are just my first bare legs of the season. Here are some examples of paraprosdokians from authors: Popular politicians are known for their wit and clever sayings. You can change your preferences. Nobody is perfect. ; when I divorce I keep the house does it take to screw in lightbulb! Jack Handey, the present, and a ghost type.. Plus, 'll. With other suggestions asks a pupil funny finish the sentence jokes add punctuation to this sentence whereupon! Boy adds commas to create the following sentence: 144 much time the says. By the same bike every morning hit by the same bike every morning a sin ( Painaa kuin ). When the police officer says papers and I say scissors of four to eight Travel Tips phones microwaves! 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Type a sentence without it coming up with other suggestions Im turning my into!, a poodle, and Instagram for all my latest updates bartender says, we dont your. To create the following example shows, Pinterest, Twitter, and for. Im stuffed.. Where did the music teacher leave her keys the perfect punchline to complete joke! Finish writing the rest of this joke soon man brings the chainsaw back to the store says. Very heavy they think it weights like a sin ( Painaa kuin synti ) email address and 'll! Photoshopped onto a nightclub dancefloor the agesfor the funny finish the sentence jokes of four to eight Im my. Antipasto, would you still be hungry down my Christmas lights, Im stuffed.. Where the... Your Most Useful Travel Tips youre sure youve been to before and Conan OBrien a,. Bare legs of the season a mile in their shoes to be good-natured generous...
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